hope of renovation and restoration - transparent thoughts

 transparent thoughts are being processed here...

It may seem like I am retreating but really it is just the shifting of some things to pursue a commitment to health, righteousness and excellence in ALL areas of my life, and to stop stealing from one area to try and fill the gap in another area.   I have not yet mastered the skills required for a balanced yet committed way of life, but I am determined to so.  I am working to do right things, and I have boldly asked for and received gifts of favor and freedom, but there is an internal work of change that has to take place too that involves both controlled discipline and an inner freedom.  God is determined to grow me up in righteousness and peace, love and faithful steadfastness, and strength and joy.  I am determined to cooperate and do my part in this process. 

Someone said to me a while back, that if you honestly believe that God has told you to do something, isn't it rebellion to not do that thing completely.  There are areas of my life where according to this statement I am living in rebellion, and I MUST fix this!  I must!

I have talked about needing changes without either making them, or staying committed to them.  I can no longer allow "the reality of the priorities, [to] overwhelminglyveto[] my decision to do things differently".  I told my husband that this year, I want to LIVE and DO differently not just talk about it.  Of course I will talk about it because I process with words.  But if all there is, is talk and no change, then it is vanity; and I am done with that.

By making changes I don't expect to somehow attain the blessing that I would have had if I had simply been committed and obedient in the first place.  I do understand that obience is better than sacrifice and that the blessing of obedience is far better than the blessing of repentance (change).  However, there are redemptive blessings for making healthy righteous changes.  This is a principle.  It holds true whether you are Christian/religious or not.  We all understand that a commitment to healthy foods and exercise give us a much better chance of health, and we also understand that the person who has not lived that way previously, still receives some healthy benefits when they make changes to be healthy.  This principle follows in all areas of health and well being (emotional, mental, social, as well as careers, ministries, etc).  So yes, I do expect that the changes I make now will affect my life in positive ways.  It may not guarantee a "good life" but will equip me with the skills and character to effectively and positively handle whatever life brings at me (with peace, love, righteousness, wisdom, steadfastness, faithfulness, courage, strength and joy). 

Part of all this, is taking care of my physical health.  Last year I reaped the results of the neglect I had sowed for several years with regards to my health.  You know, sometimes it is the reaping of unpleasant consequences that finally gets our attention and motivates us do the things we should have done in the first place.  I am turning some things around and hope in the next several months to be fully commitment to some "simple yet hard things"; to a principled way of living that is in alignment with who I am (who I was created to be) and the simple yet important purposes that God has given me for this life (or at least for this season).

I am early in this process so I hesitate to publicly talk about it.  I still keep having these weak little moments where I worry about what people will think about me as I make these changes.  Do they think I am a quitter?  Do they think I don't care about certain priorities/responsibilities?  Do they think that I don't care about them and what is important to them?  This leads me to the introspective version of that.  Do they see something wrong in me that I can't see yet?  Am I on a slow fade toward quitting?  Should their priorities be my priorities?  Have I taken a wrong path in pursuit of the right thing?  These thoughts take my focus off of my goals (as well as off of my God).  So I remind myself that I have to trust God, my husband, myself, and a few dear ones who know me best.  If it turns out I have taken a wrong turn, it will be made clear and I will be given the chance to get it right.  The thing is, that even this, the dealing with the wondering about what people will think, is part of where I am having to grow up and grow stronger.  Learning to stay committed to a new way of life in spite of what people might think.

Years ago when I jumped out of illness and disability into a full life, I was warned about taking on too much.  But I was so eager to have my life filled again with productivity and doing, that I over-filled it with "I can do that"s, and did not fully heed the warning about the costs.  I have paid (and in some ways I am still paying) those costs; the neglect of valuable "other things" and erosion in critical areas of life and health.  Now it is time to rebuild.  Rebuilding starts with demolition, the removal of the things that no longer belong here and/or are not part of the new plans.  Rest assured, as in many renovations, not everything is being removed.  There is some solid good stuff in my life that will stay; there are things in my life that are healthy and beneficial to life, love, and Godliness.  However, some things will be removed in the process of building a new thing.  For now, in order to "do more", I must "do less". 

So I circle back to my first thought:
It may seem like I am retreating but really it is just the shifting of some things to pursue a commitment to health, righteousness and excellence in ALL areas of my life. 

I have taken the time to pour out my heart, process my thoughts, and I end in hope; the hope of renovation and restoration. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

P.S.

Not a whole lot mentioned in this about God's role and my trust in Him, but in my life, whether that is articulated or not, it is and will always be central.  Without His life and strength, these changes would be impossible.  There are strongholds to be overcome, thoughts to be taken captive, areas that need discipline and the desperate need for a supernatural power.  I know "it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in [me], energizing and creating in [me] the power and desire, both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight."  I draw my confidence from this, as I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took a hold of me.