one step forward

This weekend ... stepping forward ...

...more transparent thoughts are being processed here...

Monday, I wrote down some of the "simple yet hard" things that I believe God has been asking me to do.  

 (1) more sleep, water, & movement

 (2) prayer & praise and study & meditation (build and maintain home altars)

 (3) honor God in the "doing" (work is my worship and mission field)

 (4) love, trust, rejoice, be thankful, and be a blessing

The first seems overly simple, almost to the point where I am not sure that anyone will believe that was God speaking, they would just tell me I am applying common sense, but I will tell you that again and again over the last couple of years I heard God say just do these three simple things; get more sleep and rest, drink more water, and move more often (referring to my body, to stretch, exercise, get outside and away from the desk, etc, move around, and be physically active).  I agreed with God but then could not find the time, energy, nor commitment to do these simple things.  The second thing was that I was to build altars of sacrifice at home.  I understood this to mean that my worship, praise and bible study at home needed to be as (or more) dedicated and passionate as it was at church, or in meetings with other Christians.  I said, yes, and agreed to God about these things but then the urgency of the day to day priorities pushed in, and coupled with the physical exhaustion and illness fogging up my brain, these things were only half committed to. Done regularly but not with the consistent morning and evening sacrifice that I want and feel called for it to be.

I went round and round with God on certain things.  I just couldn't figure out how to do it all.  My husband was letting me know I needed to make a change, that I was growing increasingly more stressed, burnt out, and weary.  

As I talked with God about all of this, several things were shown to me.  The importance of being a good partner to my husband, of being the one who loves him best, and who helps him in his weak places.  My husband is a man of faith, who loves and honors God, and believes in Jesus Christ as Savior, but he wants to grow in his relationship with God and grow in faith.  I have been asking God to show me how to help him with this, without being critical.  I want to be an encourager to him in the things of God not just the things of this physical world.  God showed me the connection between my altar at home and my ability and opportunity to be my husband's spiritual, Godly encourager.  But I really struggled to find the time and/or energy.

Another thing God made clear, is that if I continue to work in my current position, I needed to make some changes to remove some stress, because if I was going to continue in my job (or any job for that matter), it is my mission field.  As the Lord patiently discussed these things with me He reminded me that wherever He directs my path is my mission field.  

At work, I have been striving so hard to measure up and keep up with the demands of my employment, struggling to help prosper the business I work for.  For a season a couple of years ago, I got caught up in ambition, that mixed with blind overconfident complacency in one area, allowed for strong temptation and a minor stumble in my thinking.  I thank God everyday, that by His mighty grace I did not fall.  I am so thankful that He provided the way for me to escape the trap that ambition and the envy of the a certain "fun" and fleshly exalting way of life were tempting me to follow.  Immediately after that temptation, I was crushed in spirit, how could I (a woman who loves God and strives daily to follow after Him) even be tempted by such a way of life.  I retreated to the only One who could help me, God himself.  This was the same time that a lot of other things were changing and people were being shifted around in my life. What boldness and confidence I previously had in Christ turned into timidity.  This timidity and lack of confidence spilled over into my ministry (or shall we say lack of ministry) in the workplace.  I asked God over and over how... how do I turn this around?  Do I leave to start fresh?  Do I stay even if I am not measuring up to the demands of the job?  How do I become a witness of His power, love, and truth, when I am consistently stressed, weary, and lacking excellence?  Our faithful patient God let me ride a few things out, all the while strengthening a relationship with a fellow Godly Christian woman.  In that strengthened relationship we were able to encourage each other in the ways of God, in faith, and in righteousness, although I still felt ineffective and wondered would I ever see my life exhibit the things of God "in increasing measure" in my work place.  

All the while God relentlessly repeatedly reminded me ...

more sleep, more water, more movement, make and keep committed to the altar of worship and meditation of His Word at home, and commitment to my primary mission fields HOME and MARKETPLACE.

God reminded me that there would come a time when I would step down from the treasured privilege of being a part of the worship team (choir), but I thought when God would step me down from that, it would be  into a new (or another) ministry.  

Over and over I tried to make everything fit into a weekly timeline, and over and over I failed.  My work-work was slipping, my health (physical and mental) was failing, my housework nearly non-existent  and the one who I was supposed to be loving and helping was helping me and comforting me and taking care of me.

I wanted a strong Christian mentor counselor, but oddly (to me) the way was not made clear for one, so certain things were processed mostly alone with God, overflowed in limited amounts to a very limited few.   There have been several times where I called my husband and asked him to walk and pray with me, or pray with or for me.  I talked to him about the importance and power of our agreement and his covering over me.  I have envisioned and longed for the day when we would be "in that place" more consistently    

Recently, this year, I made a commitment, and felt the Holy Spirit embolden me and give me a strength and freedom to DO something and actually make some changes.

A few weeks ago I resigned from the choir.  Two weeks ago I had a meeting with my boss, asking him for and being granted a few things including to work from home two days a week.  The goal of that was, that if I take care of myself I will be more relaxed thus increasing my ability to be creative and energized in my work, which is needed to do my job well.  These are some other changes were made.  Over the last two weeks I have "held the line" respectfully defended the boundaries drawn and decisions made.  

Now I have some of the details of the back story from last post.

Last week was the first week when I worked from home two days.  By Thursday I was wondering if this was going to pay off, because I had worked as many (if not more) hours that week as any other week at work.  My "home altar" time was not done perfectly nor consistently yet, and my sleep/water/move habits barely followed through with, but I did increase in honoring God in the "doing", and I did remember to love, trust, rejoice, be thankful, and be a blessing.  This week I did fix a couple of meals which were served and eaten at the dining room table.  This week, when my husband greeted me after my work day was over, I was joyful and excited about being in my home and had some positive things to say.  However, I was still frustrated at the weeds of rebellion still obviously present due to my lack of complete obedience and commitment to these "simple yet hard things".  

This weekend I received a few small but hugely significant confirmations.

Saturday, I had enough energy and clarity and strength to do some housework and actually worked enough to make a noticeable difference (mind you I still have a long way to go/grow).   Today, Sunday, the sermon had a few confirming elements, like the seeds of rebellion that must be rooted out, and our commitment to worship Monday thru Saturday (home altars)*.   The other thing was that my husband came to church, without having been specifically invited.  I was able to worship God in church right next to my husband with his covering and agreement.  During the altar call he and I stood hand in hand, side by side, and we prayed together, for us and for our family.  That was precious and powerful.  These few things confirm the work that God is doing.  I am recieving them as the blessing of obedience, and the confirmation that God is in it ... in these changes ... 

I am not there yet, but I am encouraged that, it seems I (with the Almighty help from God) have taken one step forward toward.  Today it seems that it is more than just a commitment of words; today it seems that I have in taken action.  I am so thankful for the confirmation and encouragement of this morning.  

And so I  "continue to work out [my] salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in [me] to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose."

*note: It still feels odd though, because my obedience and rooting up of rebellion out of my life means for now that I stay committed to my primary areas of ministry (a) my husband (b) my home (c) my family and (d) the marketplace, which means not (at least for this season) refilling the time I had previously committed to choir with another at church ministry.  That time must be dedicated to following God and making an eternal difference in the places I just listed.  My deeply heartfelt prayer is that my church leadership will come to understand this is an active obedience to God on my part and I must must MUST root out my resistance and rebellion to the things I believe God has told me to do.  It is in repentant action that I make these changes and expect if God is in it and I believe He is that there will be an eternal harvest resulting from it.