the screeching halt

It started about 4 years ago. I got sick, a really bad cold, the flu maybe. Followed by months of "not well". Lots of doctor visits where several diagnoses were thrown about, some with blood work to support them. Eventually I did get better and was left with lingering tired body and mind. This illness followed 6 years of workaholic dedicated very long intense work weeks, while still making efforts to maintain a dedicated role in ministry. So yes, stress very much was a factor too. Then change of life followed a year later - fairly easily by comparison to other reports.

I expected to fully recover, but ever since then, my natural rhythm of “GO-GO-GO and STOP” have changed. My “go go go” lacks energy and focus and my "stop" that follows is a lot more sudden and complete.  The “stop” just pops up and everything comes to a screeching halt, sometimes I push through like an empty headed slow shell of a person, until I get home and rest (sometimes only until I get into the car and zone out).  . It feels like It feels like I run out of “me” and I have nothing (energy, thoughts, emotions, etc.) to give, invest, or apply. This stop includes losing the motivation and dedication to press on, sometimes even external pressure doesn't work to get me moving (not work deadlines, not ministry deadlines). Even getting dressed, feeding my pets, making meals, showering, etc. become "too hard" to get up and moving for and so many things just don’t get done. It's stupid, and lasts from a full day to a string of days. I don’t feel this way all the time but it seems I spend the other days trying to make up for the days when I fall off the planet and everything comes to a screeching halt. I am trying not to let it show. I just say “I am out of sorts” or “I am really out of it today” or “It was a very unproductive day”.

I am only 49 years (tomorrow).  It seems too young to spend the rest of my life this out of it. I have a very good life.  I truly feel grateful and blessed. I know that focusing on the negative only magnifies it. I also know that getting physically active and eating better, reducing screen time, and more time in prayer and meditation (of the Word of God), will make a positive difference physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 

I made a change at the end of December that was supposed be a big protractive change to put focus on these things, but very little has actually changed.  I keep planning to make a change and I have had these little bursts of starts.  I want to start and stay committed to my priorities.

It is my birthday tomorrow and I am discouraged. I made a change 6 months ago and I'm not better.  Except for a change in where I do my work-work, there is not much difference in my life. I am a hypocrite, speaking from a conviction I believe in but not living out its truth, except in small superficial ways.

I want end this note with positive thoughts. I know that since I woke up this morning I have another day to make positive and healthy changes. I have a loving husband, a good home, my employer is flexible with work hours and location (so long as I keep up with the work), I have great people who I am privileged serve alongside at church. It is Saturday so much to do and enjoy.

I am blessed.