Thoughts that war within me

Everyday is a war with my thoughts and emotional state.  EVERY day.

Weariness is the state of existence that you arrive at after you push on through burn out. 

Even fun relaxing days require effort to enjoy and effort and intention to focus on the abundance of good things.  

The fight is all with a mindset that I let myself develop.  Which means in many ways it is an imaginary fight.  

The kicker is I know that I can CHOOSE to be and think differently, or rather think and be different and not waste what little energy I have on this imaginary fight.  

I am okay.

I am solid.

I am a Christian - Christ follower whose faith is fully intact and growing.

But everyday, my imaginary thought war continues.  I often have victory in this war, to choose to think positively and overcome condemning lies and even the worst of my opponents, condemning truths.  

I know my family and friends see my "easy" life and wonder what in the world I have to be stressed and worried about when I have so many wonderful things in my life. Here is what I have come to learn.  It is NOT about how much *anything* you have need of or are blessed to have received.  Your (or rather my) struggle and stress is 98% a thought war - a mental and emotional state.  

So getting a full time job that fills in the financial gaps, helps but when the battle is 98% with thought patterns, smsoon the battle in my thoughts rages on: will I keep my job, will I be good enough, and the stress of the competition over time resources and everything else returns (or continues) and these thoughts cause serious stress. 

Some days I am stronger in these fights, quickly overcoming, and moving on to enjoy the moments of my day.  On other days it's harder. 

I got burnt out awhile ago. The history of this blog (even cleaned up) shows it to be so.  But then the cost of what it would take to stop and recover were too great and the pressures to keep going and keep giving compelled me to keep giving, keep trying, because the situations are real and critical and if I stop to regroup and recover, if I stop pushing forward than someone or something will suffer.  

So I have now made it past burn out. While that is a GOOD thing, I am not the same.  I don't have the same drive and endurance that I had before burn out.  I have entered into a new season of deep weariness. In the place of weariness I just don't have the strength to stick to my "no" sometimes I don't even have the strength to say "no" at all. But my "yes" doesn't have the same love and joy that it used to, and my follow through on my "yes" does not have a quality of excellence pursed that it used to.  I have learned to settle for less in order to just keep a little forward momentum.  

Since I have a job, a husband, my children are grown and out of the house - life should be all perfect and stress free.  But it is not.  I try hard to not talk about it, but still sometimes my hearts and thoughts over flow, especially to my poor husband and daughter (and sometimes my mother-in-law).  I hate that the few loved ones I hold closest are the ones who hear and see the worst of me and who receive the least from me.  But that is what weariness does. 

I remember, being able to pull "through me" love, compassion, service to others, and words of encouragement when I had spent all I had and there was nothing left.  But now I have lived like that for so long that I don't do it as well anymore.  And I don't like who I have become as a result.  

But as I said earlier,  it is 98% a fight with my thoughts.  

So I put down this device, to focus my attention on a day full of opportunities to enjoy the many good things in my life, to serve and love others.  Maybe, just maybe, with Gods help and my determination, I will make a small positive difference in someone's life today; and even if I don't - maybe I will do one thing satisfactorily, employing a little more virtue, goodness, perseverance, and love in an increased way today.

I'm sort of glad no one reads this blog.  It gives me a safe journal place to vent and process - although I think it may not be healthy for me mentally to have spent so much time dwelling on these thoughts. 

I really do have so many many many good things in my life and I am not as much of a failure, nor incompetent as the negative thoughts that war against me would "say". 

It is a beautiful fall day.  I am going to go enjoy it.

Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. (Psalm 103:2-5 NIV)

written
Sept 27, 2014 9:53 AM