In my feelings ... (April 1,.2023)

 In my feelings ... 

I recognize I got so much wrong as a mother and I grieve that for my kids. But also I grieve that for me. I knew at the time that loving them the way Jesus loves me, unconditionally, was impossible, but I knew I had to try. I strived to see them for who they were and were becoming as unique and valuable individuals. I strived to help them recognize their strengths and their weaknesses, and how to leverage their strengths and the strengths of others to compensate for their weaknesses.  

I was intentional about teaching them to share their thoughts and opinions in ways that were respectable to those hearing them, and in a manner that others would be willing to stay engaged and listen.

Each generation looks back at their own childhood with a critical eye. It is okay to acknowledge the way people fell short and/or hurt us growing up. It is a beautiful thing to recognize the areas in our own lives that need healing because of things that happened and the people in our upbringing. We can process these things, find healing and find a way to arrive at forgiveness (which frees out own mind and heart), and hopefully create a better relationship with the adults who raised us. We can love them and not like what they did or how they did them. 

But as the parent of adult kids who have to heal from their childhood and the things I did or how I raised them, and how I fell short of the very intentional sacrificial ways I strived to raise them (so short of the goals I had as a Mama)... well it just hurts. I don't even know if that is an okay thing to say so. Does saying that invalidate their own experiences?  Maybe that is one of the things we just have to accept as a parent, is that we when our children enter adulthood they will look back, and see more of our failures than our successes. That they will wish we could have been better parents, no matter how hard we strived to be just that. They will have things to heal from, and perhaps the best thing we can do is sit and listen and validate their feelings. And not ask them to acknowledge ours. 

But a big part of me wants to warn parents of younger children, that the pain and sacrifice of putting our kids' feelings and well being first as priority over our own, never ends. 

I strived to mother in a way that my children be grateful for their childhood, with happy memories and secure in themselves and in relationship with us.

The fact is I failed my children more often than I ever even imagined I would. And these things come to light when they live at a distance with their own lives. When all they need from us is to continue to love and accept them, hear their criticism, and accept responsibility for all we did wrong.  

We just need to expect this and accept that our very best efforts will in the end be meaningless. Because intentions don't matter, all that matters is how the child remembers their experience and how they internalized how they experienced it. We are to remain silent about our perspective and how we experienced the situations especially.if we remember it differently.  When my kids were growing up, I anticipated this. It hurt then, knowing they could feel hurt and disappointed about me and their father. 

The love I had (and continue to have) for my kids compelled me (and continues to compel me) to do my best, to try my hardest. 

Knowing with certainty that it wasn't enough then and probably never will be is really painful.  

All I can do is keep trying to do better, and hope they at feel safe and secure enough to have the discussion with me about how I have failed, what they are doing to heal, and how they are doing things differently and better than I ever could for the generation of kids they are raising (either as parents, teachers, or aunts and uncles). If they feel safe enough to tell me, it shows I did a few things well and that I can continue to work on our relationship. 

Parenting is not about your kids giving you unconditional love, or creating a person that will always love you just because you are the parent and hey are the child.  NOPE! I've always known that to be wrong, even while my first born was growing in my womb, what it really was.  It is about from the moment of conception giving of yourself for another. It is showing up, sacrificing from every resource you have for the betterment of your children (not without healthy boundaries of course), and this NEVER EVER ENDS.  The average ratio of love given to the  received over the span of our lives as parents, should average 90% given to 10% received back. At multiple times in life it will be 100% given and 0% return. 

For me that is an acceptable "cost".

Because I won't do it perfectly and it is the way God loves us perfectly. 

At 90/10 or 100/0 God's love never stops.  I want to love the way He loves me.

♥️

It is hard being a parent of adults. It is hard knowing the thing you feared still came true despite your best efforts. 

I have AMAZING kids. They are great people. I like spending time with them.

And now I am a grandmother, and the striving to do right by my kids takes on a whole new level of do right by them.  When so much of even the things I thought we did well are either completely forgotten or told by my kids was the wrong and destructive way to care for children. 

I used to think I was very good at caring for children. I have so many doubts and insecurities about this now. 

Even as I try to support and love my parents in their last 1-20 years of their lives, even as I grandparent ... my fears are so very loud right now. My confidence in actually making a positive difference in people's lives so very low.

It's just hard.

I pray my kids never feel.tbis way about their own effects and that they never lose their confidence in loving and coring for others well. They are both compassionate kind people - each with their own unique combination of gifts and talents. 

I'm glad in spite of all my failings (and their father's) that they still want to have a relationship with me (with us). I am grateful they make the effort to stay in touch, especially when I know.as the parent that is is MY job to work to keep a healthy connection (with appropriate and healthy boundaries of course). It is my job to keep on striving to make.sure they know they are valued and loved. 

My kids owe me nothing.  But it does my heart a whole lot of good that they still want to get together and be in relationship with us. 

This brings up another short coming ... That I've not done as well as I should at let my parents know that they are loved and valued. 

... SIGH ... 

It's been a while morning of processing the pain of falling short. 

 

But I also recognize I still have these wonderful people in my life and hopefully prayerfully time to make a difference, and let them know they are loved.  I hope so anyway. 

 

A delightful morning at Lake Chesdin

Wednesday August 21, 2019, I spent the morning at Lake Chesdin with my hubby in a canoe. We saw SO MANY birds. Multiple sightings of Blue Heron (a couple fly within 20 feet of us), Snowy Egrets (funny how much more social/flock like they are compared to Heron), Bald Eagles, Osprey, and Cormorants, as well as small birds and lots of butterflies and dragon flies. 

Me and my iPhone camera did not do a good job of capturing all that we saw, but here are some of what I did capture.

It was so delightful! We went out for a rescheduled 1/2 day of fishing and it was so much better than that. So many sightings of birds, butterflies and dragonflies, and late summer flowers. Plus the quiet of being on the water in a canoe with the gentle sound of the water moving under the aluminum canoe, the breeze through the trees, the different bird calls, the insect sounds, and the quiet sounds of water lapping against the shorelines. The feel of the cooler morning air, the breeze, and the morning sun on my skin. The smell of the water and plants and the sweet blossoms. It was truly a delightful morning! So much more than I even expected. And to have my “hubby”, who I love very much, along to share it with makes it extra special! What a wonderful morning! 

I just had to "put it in writing" and include the pictures to tell a better story than my words could express and to so that I would have this to "remember these colors". 

Wednesday August 21, 2019
Lake Chesdin, Chesterfield County, Virginia. The boat landing is located next to Lake Chesdin Park and Linear Park, which are currently undeveloped.

Entering Chesdin Landing

Putting in at the Canoe / Kayak boat landing.

We immediately saw a Heron sitting on a private boat dock.

one of my "happy places"

smelled so sweet

Bald Eagle

Snowy Egret

Cormorants (the light contrast made it really hard to photograph)

so many Snowy Egrets

re-read my plumb line scriptures

Felt impressed to re-read my plumb line scriptures as a how am I doing kind of Bible time with Jesus this morning. It's a high calling to be a follower of Christ Jesus, but this is the one true God who gave up everything so that I can live in fellowship with Him and be an active accepted part of His family. To follow sincerely this high calling is my reasonable worship.

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I love Romans 12 and Philippians 3:12-13 in the Message Bible (a paraphrase that drives home the heart and application of this scripture)
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Romans‬ ‭12:1-21‬ ‭MSG‬‬
"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him. In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.

In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't. If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.

Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.

Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."

Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:1-21‬ ‭MSG‬‬
——-
Philippians‬ ‭3:12-14‬ ‭MSG‬‬
‭‭ "I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back."
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭3:12-14‬ ‭MSG‬‬
——-
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+12%3A1-2%2CRomans+12%3A9-21%2C1+Corinthians+13%3A4-7%2CGalatians+5%3A13-17%2CGalatians+5%3A22-26%2CColossians+3%3A9-10%2CColossians+3%3A12-17%2CJohn+13%3A34-35%2CLuke+6%3A27-37%2CLuke+6%3A41-42%2CPhilippians+3%3A7-16&version=NIV

An Analogy

An Analogy

Getting back in spiritual shape.

It occurs to me that the efforts to return to spiritual disciplines and spiritual well being are similar to getting back in physical shape.

Eating more than my body is asking for and needs is so delightful. I love and enjoy eating food. Eating food brings me pleasure and comfort. So it was easy to let myself in times of stress have this pleasure and comfort. Not challenging my body with movement and exercise was also easy. While I love to hike/walk, camp and canoe, running and hard consistent exercise has never been something I actually enjoy. My previous job had me sitting in front of a computer for 8-14 hours 5-6 days a week. My laziness and my tiredness convinced me to not do much else (at least not often nor consistently). So I have this aging body that isn't in the shape I need or want it to be. I am making efforts to get it healthy again and re-train my thinking and habits to keep it that way. It's a real struggle. It still want the pleasure of eating just for pleasure. And the activity part is really really hard. It's much harder having spent months not eating healthy and over a decade not being physically active. It much harder than if I had made the effort to maintain a healthy body with healthy eating and activity.

This morning as I reviewed my plumb-line scriptures it occurred to me how out of shape my spiritual life had become. Strong in someways but weak in others. While I have maintained and grown as a servant leader (lay teacher and coordinator) in ministry, my personal disciplines at home have slipped out of consistency. I'm finding that, like getting back into physical shape, that the effort is much harder to re-establish the disciplines that keep me and my home spiritually healthy. Life got super full, and while I never stopped doing the work of ministry in the midst of a demanding work life and full family life. It would have been hard to keep my consistency and fervency with home bible study and prayer time from waning. But I didn't apply that extra effort and I recognize now that my consistency and fervency have waned significantly. This has impacted more than me. It has impacted my home and family. Which is really sad. Now I'm having to apply even more effort to re-establish consistency, passion, and fervency in my at home daily spiritual disciplines.

I hesitate to share that I'm working on these things again. What if I disappoint others with my current roller coaster progress with both my physical and spiritual health disciplines? But I encourage myself that for every failure I just have to re-determine my efforts.

I am recording this here as a personal journal. I re-read my "thoughts" from time to time so I am hopeful that by putting it in writing I am pressing in to these goals, and speaking to my future self to keep pressing too.

The will of my Father who is in heaven (is relationship) [a Bible Study Prayer]

""Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter into the realm of heaven's kingdom. It is only those who persist in doing the will of my heavenly Father. On the day of judgment many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, don't you remember us? Didn't we prophesy in your name? Didn't we cast out demons and do many miracles for the sake of your name?' But I will have to say to them, 'Go away from me, you lawless rebels! I've never been joined to you!'"
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7:21-23‬ ‭TPT

"""Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven. Many will say to Me on that day [when I judge them], 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, and driven out demons in Your name, and done many miracles in Your name?' And then I will declare to them publicly, 'I never knew you; DEPART FROM M E [you are banished from My presence], YOU WHO ACT WICKEDLY [disregarding My commands].'"
‭‭MATTHEW‬ ‭7:21-23‬ ‭AMP‬‬

""Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'"
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7:21-23‬ ‭NIV‬‬

(My Prayer)

Relationship First, Primarily, Most Importantly and Persistently - I want to walk with you Lord; in step with you Lord; listening to what you have to say about each moment of my day; progressively knowing you more and more; sharing an intimacy with you God and withholding no thought, imagination from being wholly open to you and all the gifts in my life fully shared with you (gratefully stewarded, but lovely held, ready to be passed along for whatever purposes you see best). Relationship God with you; growing and intimate is my core heart's desire. (Oh I am fully aware of all the selfish greedy lazy competing desires not fully pruned from my heart. These may frustrate You and me but they don't change my desire to know You in deep personal and public relationship.)

I wonder sometimes Lord if I have done anything of lasting eternal worth here... I wonder if my Kingdom impact measures up enough (How many demons have I cast out? How many people have been set free because of my obedience and faith in Your great Name? How many miracles have I prayed in? Are they enough to grow faith in you on the earth? Have I flowed in your prophetic knowledge enough to make a Kingdom difference here on earth? My efforts and impact *feel* small, but then I ready your words again... and I am encouraged and set straight.

I am corrected by these words to not make building the Kingdom here in earth of greater importance than actually keeping my relationship with you real and growing. It blows my mind, even that Your Kingdom principles are so true that even those who don't know you can follow the principles and see powerful Kingdom results even without being truly alive and redeemed and without a real relationship with you. It's sad God.

I want to grow close to you. Closer and closer and closer. I will trust you to use me to prayer in the miracle, or speak the prophetic, and cast down demonic powers, as stored by the Love and Power of your Spirit in me. But for me, for now, I will just seek You (and not those things). I will seek to know you more.

So Jesus, thank you! Thank you for loving me (little me). Thank for loving us all so much, that you gave up everything for us (all of us and each of us). Thank you Father, for being just and tender in your mercy. Thank you for giving your precious son. Thank you for drawing our hearts. Thank you for making us in your very image. Thank you for the many blessings and gifts you have given. Thank you for not just saving me from forever separation, but also for making me your daughter a joint heir with Jesus. Your ambassador, your friend, your daughter. Holy Spirit thank you for your persistent presence in my inner most being. Thank you for being my teacher, helper, strength, and the One who brings Your Truth and Word into remembrance.

Walk with me today. Such a silly thing to ask since I know that's what you do. Hhmmm I think what I meant was, I welcome you into each moment of my day today. I want to be aware of you and do each moment with You. Openly sharing my thoughts, emotions, reasonings, and tasks with you. I want to openly and readily discuss my choices and my hopes with You. I want to listen to You reveal truth to me (by Word and Spirit). I want You.... just more or You.

Clothe yourself

CLOTHE YOURSELF

"You are always and dearly loved by God! So robe yourself with virtues of God, since you have been divinely chosen to be holy. Be merciful as you endeavor to understand others, and be compassionate, showing kindness toward all. Be gentle and humble, unoffendable in your patience with others. Tolerate the weaknesses of those in the family of faith, forgiving one another in the same way you have been graciously forgiven by Jesus Christ. If you find fault with someone, release this same gift of forgiveness to them. For love is supreme and must flow through each of these virtues. Love becomes the mark of true maturity."

‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:12-14‬ ‭TPT‬‬

Favor and purpose for unreasonable suffering [a bible study reflection]

Favor and purpose for unreasonable suffering - Christ is our example of this - The honor and purposes He willing suffered for to display and break the power of sin and draw people into His flock ...
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"Servants, be submissive to your masters with all [proper] respect, not only to those who are good and kind, but also to those who are unreasonable. For this finds favor, if a person endures the sorrow of suffering unjustly because of an awareness of [the will of] God. After all, what kind of credit is there if, when you do wrong and are punished for it, you endure it patiently? But if when you do what is right and patiently bear [undeserved] suffering, this finds favor with God. For [as a believer] you have been called for this purpose, since Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you may follow in His footsteps.
He personally carried our sins in His body on the cross [willingly offering Himself on it, as on an altar of sacrifice], so that we might die to sin [becoming immune from the penalty and power of sin] and live for righteousness;* for by His wounds you [who believe] have been healed." ++
‭‭1 PETER‬ ‭2:18-21, 24‬ ‭AMP‬‬ http://bible.com/1588/1pe.2.18-21,24.amp

*when we suffer unjustly we are tempted to pick up our "rights" and make a fuss and no longer obey, but we display the power of God when we with behavior that honors God and righteousness endure suffering

++ this verse is tied to the verse before and after it that indicate that the primary healing being discussed is healing from the death and destructive power of sin, we now have to power to submit, with honor, and follow Christ even when suffering injustice without giving in to the temptation to allow another persons sin to create a sinful ungodly rebellious attitude, words, and/or behavior in us; we are healed from that, and out of our strong healed place we will not be shaken or pulled off our purpose and path but will remain steadfast in our relationship and our lives message (shown not just thru words and religious activities but through our ability to remain faithful to display love, honor, and proper respect to God and all people/positions) so that as Christ did we might draw the lost towards the one true Shepherd (see vs 25)

Bible Study: sweet encouraging words from James 1

The words of the Apostle James are blessing me this morning. Rather than a harsh rebuke I am hearing tender mercy appealing to my world worn and anxious soul this morning.

It's been a busy week at work. I am challenged by my "slowness" and confronted by repeated mistakes. And to make matters worse that triggered a prideful discouragement and such negativity in my thoughts and words.
The Holy Spirit "whispered" a reminder - something true learned through popular Christian jargon that if it is ASAP to ALWAYS STOP AND PRAY. To STOP (don't reply don't speak don't do), Pray, then listen, think, and only then do, speak, respond. But I have cried at my work desk, even on the phone with one of my managers, in anxious panic that my mistakes defined my worth. I have complained and spoken fears and negative things some of which don't even have any truth in them. And this "fleshy" sinful anxious prideful ugly negative responses have saddened and broken my heart.

But this morning, these strict but sweet words, remind me not to worth about earthly prosperity much, it will for sure quickly fade anyway.

It encourages me, that I will indeed be continually tested and tempted by pride and other sins, and it is simply the testing of my faith ... and best yet ...it give endurance "a chance to grow."

I am encouraged by the eternal perspective of my struggle (internal and external), and by the very practical advice James provides.

Ask God for help and wisdom; and trust Him to give it to you. Plus all the encouragement about How God doesn't change, how all good things come from Him; He choose to give us life and light; so He is most definitely the most reliable relationship and source. No need to doubt Him.

So I must with patient long suffering endure and resist temptations ... the temptations to complain, to be self centered.

I have to apply the wisdom God has given and remember that my sinful pride wants to tie me up and lead me astray.

Such practical steps to keep us from being led astray ... (I love the practicality here because life comes at you fast and sinful desires are tricky so in those fast intense moments, I have practical steps to remember and follow, until I can lift my "eyes" to the life and light of God).

By following these steps, humbly (without agreement or complaint) accept God's Word and its instructions, His Word grows deep in me and produces real fruit, of love and good deeds.

——-
Thank you, God for this Word!
I don't know that I have ever tasted such sweetness from the book of James.

I am your child. I am also your chosen garden. I will watch over and weed my fields by listening, and obeying your instructions. I do trust you my God, my Lord, my Helper and my Friend.
Take my life and let it be used for your glory and to shine your light, life, joy and peace.
I love you God.
Thank you for your patience and mercy and all of the countless goodnesses you have given me.
Amen
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